May's fic (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} arewewinning) wrote,@ 2006-11-18 08:55:00 |
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| Entry tags: | character: veronica mars, fandom: veronica mars, rating: pg |
You Either Stand Or You Fall (Veronica) PG
Title: You either stand or you fall
Author: bittersweet_99
Rating: PG
Word Count: 816
Summary: She's never been much of risk taker.
Characters: Veronica, mentions of others
Spoilers/Warnings: Up till 3.07 and maybe the promo for 3.08 even though I've never actually seen it.
A/N: In my attempt to better understand Veronica, I wrote her. Thanks to sweetumms33for the beta and kind words.
---
She's never been much of risk taker. Sure she's found herself in some unsavory locales, tangled up in one predicament after another. But it's never been intentional. It was the job. It was the case. It was always in the name of seeking the truth.
Truth is her crutch. The truth will set you free is a sentiment she lives by. But this never applies to her. She's always trying to figure out the world's problems that hers never make it to the surface. She's locked up somewhere in the history of her life and those who inhabit it. Truth doesn't break the shackles bound around her feet.
Lilly knew how to live. Lilly knew how to make noise, Lilly knew better than her. The burgundy swirls of death drenching her bright hair may have made others think that this was a girl who should've listened, who should've played it safe. But for all her faults, Lilly Kane lived her life sans regrets. She knows she can't say the same.
She doesn't have regrets per se. Just lingering thoughts of what could have been that sit daintily on the edges of her mind. They're far enough that she doesn't have to pay too much attention to them, but close enough to remind her that it could all be over in an instant.
When her best friend died, it pushed her out from behind the curtains and into the forefront of action. She lost her inhibition and she tried to live the way Lilly did. Sans regrets, burn bright and conquer all.
She's not built that way. She can't separate the consequence from the action. She can't distinguish between pain and love. It all falls away and she's back to where she began. She's with the boy she wanted. But it's not the same. His kisses are too sweet. His embrace too relaxed. His eyes too clear.
The comparisons that are being tallied don't seem like comparisons until dark eyes tear her pleasantries and dreams for normal down.
She wants something of everything. She never could decide just which way to go and she confuses herself with the turns and swerves her own thoughts take. Barrel on forward is her motto for everything, but forward isn't always the right direction.
If forward means forgetting, forgiving, then she'll never be able to take the next step. Her memory is full and rich and she doesn't forget anything that she doesn't want to. She'll never let herself forget. She'll never let herself forgive. Barrel on down like a bowling ball aiming for a lone pin is the only way to go.
So she rolls and tumbles and falls and gets up again to repeat the process over. The nicks and scars don't bother her. They're just souvenirs of the places she's been. She's been to so many places. She's been everywhere, but she still feels like she hasn't found what she needs.
One boy leaves and another returns and she thinks to herself that maybe this time it will be enough.
But he's brimming with life just like Lilly was, the curve of his lips hold his smile back, the child-like twinkle in his eyes when he sees her makes her feel light. How he can smile, how he can just live to love her, when he's lost so much baffles her. She knows loss, but it's written on his soul, branded in the timber of his voice, locked away in memories that never cease to remind him why. She doesn't know how he can let go. She wants to know how to let go so she can be free too. But she doesn't know freedom, she doesn't speak its language, she doesn't know where it lives. Freedom hides from her and she from it. Being bound and shackled is her fate. It's the one she resigns herself to, and it's the only one that doesn't disappoint.
She sets herself up for it most of the time. The disappointment. She can't feel like the rest of them. She can't propel herself into her own life and it hurts, burns, and she can't have that.
It's a step by step program. She knows it so well, that it comes automatically. Shoot first, ask questions later. A word, a disagreement, a look the other way, and it doesn't take too long before they're gone. And she's alone, just the way she's always wanted.
Face it, Mars. It's always going to be just you. She tells herself that she's only doing him a favour. That she's only committing the inevitable. But the betrayal in the twist of his lips, the renewal of loss in his words, tell that maybe she's the person she's hurting right now. Her feet march away and the voice in her head reassures the tears in her armour. Face it, Mars. It's always going to be just you.
---
She's never been much of risk taker. Sure she's found herself in some unsavory locales, tangled up in one predicament after another. But it's never been intentional. It was the job. It was the case. It was always in the name of seeking the truth.
Truth is her crutch. The truth will set you free is a sentiment she lives by. But this never applies to her. She's always trying to figure out the world's problems that hers never make it to the surface. She's locked up somewhere in the history of her life and those who inhabit it. Truth doesn't break the shackles bound around her feet.
Lilly knew how to live. Lilly knew how to make noise, Lilly knew better than her. The burgundy swirls of death drenching her bright hair may have made others think that this was a girl who should've listened, who should've played it safe. But for all her faults, Lilly Kane lived her life sans regrets. She knows she can't say the same.
She doesn't have regrets per se. Just lingering thoughts of what could have been that sit daintily on the edges of her mind. They're far enough that she doesn't have to pay too much attention to them, but close enough to remind her that it could all be over in an instant.
When her best friend died, it pushed her out from behind the curtains and into the forefront of action. She lost her inhibition and she tried to live the way Lilly did. Sans regrets, burn bright and conquer all.
She's not built that way. She can't separate the consequence from the action. She can't distinguish between pain and love. It all falls away and she's back to where she began. She's with the boy she wanted. But it's not the same. His kisses are too sweet. His embrace too relaxed. His eyes too clear.
The comparisons that are being tallied don't seem like comparisons until dark eyes tear her pleasantries and dreams for normal down.
She wants something of everything. She never could decide just which way to go and she confuses herself with the turns and swerves her own thoughts take. Barrel on forward is her motto for everything, but forward isn't always the right direction.
If forward means forgetting, forgiving, then she'll never be able to take the next step. Her memory is full and rich and she doesn't forget anything that she doesn't want to. She'll never let herself forget. She'll never let herself forgive. Barrel on down like a bowling ball aiming for a lone pin is the only way to go.
So she rolls and tumbles and falls and gets up again to repeat the process over. The nicks and scars don't bother her. They're just souvenirs of the places she's been. She's been to so many places. She's been everywhere, but she still feels like she hasn't found what she needs.
One boy leaves and another returns and she thinks to herself that maybe this time it will be enough.
But he's brimming with life just like Lilly was, the curve of his lips hold his smile back, the child-like twinkle in his eyes when he sees her makes her feel light. How he can smile, how he can just live to love her, when he's lost so much baffles her. She knows loss, but it's written on his soul, branded in the timber of his voice, locked away in memories that never cease to remind him why. She doesn't know how he can let go. She wants to know how to let go so she can be free too. But she doesn't know freedom, she doesn't speak its language, she doesn't know where it lives. Freedom hides from her and she from it. Being bound and shackled is her fate. It's the one she resigns herself to, and it's the only one that doesn't disappoint.
She sets herself up for it most of the time. The disappointment. She can't feel like the rest of them. She can't propel herself into her own life and it hurts, burns, and she can't have that.
It's a step by step program. She knows it so well, that it comes automatically. Shoot first, ask questions later. A word, a disagreement, a look the other way, and it doesn't take too long before they're gone. And she's alone, just the way she's always wanted.
Face it, Mars. It's always going to be just you. She tells herself that she's only doing him a favour. That she's only committing the inevitable. But the betrayal in the twist of his lips, the renewal of loss in his words, tell that maybe she's the person she's hurting right now. Her feet march away and the voice in her head reassures the tears in her armour. Face it, Mars. It's always going to be just you.
---
